2013

I hope we've gotten all of the 'bad' that is doing to happen out of our system in the first four months of this year.  So far... 2013 can suck a big hairy donkey dick. 

For the next eight months I'd like my family to be healthy, our jobs to be stable, and (if possible) a lotto win. 

Here's hopin.

Just say no...

to crocs.

I've mentioned this before
Crocs = how to never have someone touch you nekkid

Un-pause

Previously I had mentioned that we were going to start trying for baby #2.  Well... that was derailed and then put on pause by the manfolk's dying and being revived and then being stuck in a hospital.  

Now that he has had three months worth of follow-ups and things seem to be back on track (if he doesn't get selfish and start back to his old ways) we are going to start again. 

We had a lot more sex before this whole thing went down so we will see how it goes.  He has recently had to come to grips with the fact that he is human and not 18 anymore and it has taken a toll on his libido. 

His doc was impressed when he went in after he got out of the hospital and told him that the day before he went in we had had sex three times.  Not bad for a 40 year old married dude. 

But it hasn't been that way since and I miss it. 

A man wanting a woman makes the woman feel sexy. When that goes away (especially when we used to have it all of the time) it is damaging to the ego. 

But what do you do?  Pressure the guy?  Not so much. 

So I wait patiently-ish and hope it comes back. 

Reset

This having to reset the formatting every time I come back to write (which I admit isn't as often as it should be) kinda pisses me off. 

Killin' me smalls

I have been sucky about blogging and seem to feel like I need to when I'm agitated so here you go... 

The manfolk stresses me out.  I worry about his heath and that he will spiral down back to his old ways (he's on a healthier diet and supposed to be abstaining from alcohol and smoking). He says he's not smoking (I don't always believe him) and he drinks less (that I can tell, but who knows because I work all of the time).

I don't want him to die (again) so I bug him about it, and then I hate myself for nagging.  It sucks.

I just need to come to terms with the fact that he is a grown fucking adult and let him do what he wants.  If the shock and misery of the hospital has worn off and he wants to go back to it, I refuse to enable him, but there is only so much I can do. 

Easier said than done. 

The whole thing pisses me off. 

And he sneaks stuff and thinks I don't notice.  I just get so sick of harping on it, what good is it going to do to bust him on it.  I have a couple times and he denies it, it's heart wrenching for me and useless. 

It just degrades one more layer of trust.  In the long term I'm thinking this may be detrimental, but right now I just don't know what to do about it. 

His life insurance is already maxed out.  Here's hoping I don't need it anytime soon. 

Crackin' myself up

Its kind of fun to read back through my own blog.  I just laughed out loud at something I wrote last year and woke up the dog. 

I'm a dork.

Negative Nancy

Looking over my last few posts and realizing how negative I sound. 

I'm relatively content (except for worry about the manfolk). 

We are in the hole a little financially because of the medical bills that have piled up and the sometimes fickleness of the manfolk's job. But it is manageable and we are buckling down to get it taken care of. 

I have a wonderful son that just makes me happy seeing his little face.  Ok, not so little, he is 99 percentile in height, weight and head size.  He's 9 months old and wearing 18-24 month sized clothing.   But he is stinkin cute and has taught me so much. 

I have two large dogs that are incredibly loyal and put up with all kinds of nonsense from the kid. 

The manfolk is a great dad.

My extended family is doing well and my job is something I enjoy (even though it can be stressful). 

I need to work on getting more sleep and eating better and taking care of myself, but other than that life is good. 

I have it so much better than so many others - it is just hard to sometimes keep it in perspective from day to day.

Does this sound right?

Working my butt off for our little family so the manfolk can do his dream job part time (and for not much money).

I sometimes have to travel.  

Last time I traveled out of town  he had one of his insane ex-girlfriends over to the house (I'm not friends with her and she hates my guts because she still wants a piece .  When I asked what he had been up to (answer = "nothing") he didn't mention it and then only find out she was there because something else crossed my path. 

So now when I travel I get nervous because he hides crap.  It's not that he had her over - whatever.  Its that he feels the need to hide it that KILLS me.  Then he told me he didn't tell me because he didn't want me to get mad --- WTF.  I wouldn't get mad if you weren't running around hiding stuff. 

IF YOU HAVE TO HIDE THE LITTLE THINGS WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WHEN IT IS SOMETHING BIG?

I've never given him reason to hide anything (except for telling him I'd kill him if he cheated on me) - but he does.  From what he's said in other conversation it sounds like left overs from bad old relationships that I now catch the brunt of.

Its a vicious cycle and he refuses to see my point.  Thinks I'm a crazy chick and he has done nothing wrong. 

It's frustrating and makes me trusting him a little more difficult.  

Red flag... I know. If I were reading this I'd call myself stupid for putting up with it. But what do I do that I haven't done? I addressed it.  He doesn't get it.  I have to travel and I'm not crazy to put him under surveillance for something stupid like talking to his ex. 

Even as I type this I get more pissed off all over again. 

And then I feel like the crazy chick.

UGH