Here is my dissertation. It took a somewhat different turn than what you originally proposed, but here you have it.
The Science Behind Drinking Alone
I often recall hearing that drinking along is a bad thing. I’ve done it, will continue to do it, and I know many people that have and will. So if what I’ve heard is true, then drinking alone is a sure sign of impending or existent alcoholism, right? Most likely yes…but not if you follow these simple rules to determine whether or not you are actually drinking “alone”. If you fear you may be drinking alone, I’ve also provided some tips to help you out of a potential lifetime of devastation.
At Home
If you are in a residence, be it a house, apartment, dorm room, or drainage ditch (these rules extend to the homeless too), you are not drinking alone if there is another person in the residence with you and they are within conversational earshot. Example: I am sitting on the couch watching TV drinking straight from a bottle of Jaeger, and as long as I can engage in a conversation with another individual without yelling, then I am not drinking alone. On the contrary: I am playing Wii in the basement and sipping a Coors Light while my sister is upstairs in her room practicing for her upcoming American Idol audition. I are not home by myself, but there is nobody within earshot, nobody to converse with; therefore I am functionally alone, drinking, and am inevitably headed down the path of evil and will someday beat my wife without regret. The homeless clearly have the distinct advantage here, as they tend to gather en mass, and their potential for being accused of drinking alone is virtually non-existent. We could only be so lucky.
How Not to Drink Along on an Airplane
The concept of drinking along on an airplane may seem silly. How often are you ever alone on an airplane? Even if you are the only passenger, there will presumably (hopefully) be at least one Flight Attendant to keep you company. However basic this may seem, there is still potential to drink alone on an airplane, starting you down (or continuing down) a path of loneliness and self-destruction. Due to the confines of an airplane, as long as you know someone (anyone) on the airplane, you can order your bloody Mary and not risk drinking alone. How you define “know someone” is debatable, but a general rule of thumb is whether or not you would say hello to that person on your way to your seat. Personally, I encourage you to make friends in the terminal before boarding the airplane. This serves as a cheap insurance policy. If you don’t know anyone on the airplane, but an individual in your row orders a drink, you can feel free to indulge; you are not drinking alone. One commonly misunderstood technicality arises when you travel on an airplane with two levels (B-747, Airbus 380). If you know somebody on the airplane but they are the other level, you must have said hello to them and acknowledged your travel plans on the same calendar day in order to establish each other’s presence. After that, feel free to indulge. All of these rules assume you are flying in Economy class. If you are fortunate enough to be seated in Business or First class, it is socially expected for you to drink as much as you possibly can no matter whom, if anyone, you know on the airplane. Premium Economy presents an interesting challenge, one that I am not prepared to discuss as of yet.
These are just basic examples of how to drink alone without it being considered problematic. Many additional guidelines exist, some of which may be discussed in the future.
For those who are concerned about a potential bad habit forming, just remember to follow these rules as anything to the contrary will inevitably lead straight to eternal hellfire and damnation. For those of you not too concerned, I’ll see you in hell.
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