Divided Loyalty

How can you be completely trusting and open with someone who shares loyalty between you and your ex? I don't think it is possible. Just like last week when I needed someone to talk to and couldn't find anyone on 'my' side.

Last night I got a surprise. What surprised me is how much it is bothering me.

Went to dinner with a friend of mine who is a former co-worker married to my previous boss. At the start of the meal she says, "Don't know if you want to hear this but your ex and his woman are coming over tomorrow night". And then the dinner went on.

It bugs me more than I thought it would. When we were together the ex and I tried to share every part of our lives and our friends, so our lives were intertwined for a decade. You can see how that is hard to sort out.

The part that gets me I guess is after all of the spiteful things he said about so many of our friends that he considered 'my people' (this couple included) he is now keeping specific touch with them even though when we were together he would bitch about spending time with them and ask me to make excuses not to. He especially disliked anyone associated with my work (these two included) and my family (who was never good enough).

But I can't really say that to them now can I.

The manfolk thinks I should draw a line in the sand and tell people to chose. It is human nature to pick a side and much easier on the psyche. Would be better than having guarded 'friendships' with people I am supposed to be able to talk to. I can't bring myself to do that, it isn't fair and I am of the opinion that people should choose on their own. And part of me is probably chickenshit to find out that no one would pick me.

How are you able to be completely open with someone who is also loyal to the person that hurt you most in life?

The half friendships are wearing me out. You shouldn't have to always be on guard and careful about what you say.

The person I was out with last night I had thought was a neutral party and had opened up more than I generally do. As soon as she told me about her plan I shut down, not her fault - but it is a trust issue with me. I don't trust a lot of people and divided loyalty is an immediate red flag for me.